On the rare occasion that I’m down the pub with my mates and the conversation runs dry we have a stock conversation topic that never fails to deliver animated controversy. How would we design our perfect pub? Carlsberg have touched upon the basics in their TV advert; beautiful barmaids, comfortable chairs and cold beer are a must. They are the core staples to make a pub great but we are striving for perfection and perfection is achieved in the details.
A mixture of hot young Swedish girls that talk with a slight accent and friendly Eastern Europeans will be recruited to collect glasses. Martin Clunes and Ricky Gervais will be recruited to pull the pints and will be helped on a part time basis by TVs Bill Bailey. Shaun Slater from Eastenders, Tony Soprano and Evander "the real deal" Holyfield will work the door. The special one Jose Morinho will manage the bar on the owner Peggy Mitchell’s behalf and Stephen Fry will host the weekly pub quiz. In the event of the pub needing some nasty underhand work done Steve Buscemi will be employed.
The building will be a traditional Ye Olde English chocolate box style building. It will preferably be thatched with a log fire for the winter. The beer garden will have a patio heater for every table in the winter and these will be replaced with patio umbrellas in the summer.
The BBQ section of the pub garden will feature a permanent pork spit roast that will serve up crackling and apple sauce as an optional side order to the traditional pork roll with stuffing. The tables in the beer garden will have a slight wobble for that truly authentic touch.
Choosing the right location for the pub was a tricky decision. Early suggestions recommended Melbourne, Australia (on the off chance that the cast of neighbours would become regulars). Suggestions were also made that suggested that it be placed in Thailand, Cape Town, Tokyo, LA, or New York. General consensus swung to Hawaii (on a glorious white sandy beach within sight of, but safe distance from, a volcano that would erupt once every week). Eventually however we opted for placing it 7 minutes’ walk from my house. This was regardless of where ’my house’ was and would necessitate the use of teleportation technology for the building.
One of the most contentious issues is whether or not to have big screen TVs plastering the walls. Final deliberation settled for a screen free bar except for mini screens in the toilets above the urinals. Wall sized super screens would be pulled down from the ceilings for big sporting events.
The biggest debate was whether or not to include a high end cocktail bar. After much consternation and the sampling of a few tequila daiquiris and a round of long island Ice teas it was eventually decided that it would be a good idea after all this is the modern world and we are modern men. Cocktails must include a cocktail umbrella.
Each table will have its own fully stocked mini bar and swivel optic machine. The pub will also have a revolutionary donation payment system that will require the pub goer to make a reasonable donation into a bucket as they leave thus reducing the necessity of carrying pocketfuls of change this will also reduce expenditure on staff that will mean drinks will be cheaper.
The pub will also feature an amusement style grabber machine in the corner. Our version will not drop the prize you have skilfully selected for no reason whatsoever. 90% of the questions the pub quiz machine will ask will be answerable with only 10% requiring an ’educated guess’.
The pub will of course have the conventional weekly quiz. This quiz will however not feature girly celebrities, like that one from desperate Housewives, in the picture round. The bar will also feature a monster ice machine that will provide unlimited ice to the patrons.