Although you’re not likely to get a trick for giving a bad treat these days, that sad and disappointed look on a child’s face is quite enough to make you regret giving anything but excellent Halloween handouts. They’re all bubbly when they get to your door, and then you had to go and ruin it with some healthy food, right? You’re such awful person! How dare you think of the child’s wellbeing?
Well, Halloween isn’t about being healthy. It’s about candy – and lots of it! It’s like Christmas except earlier in the year, with fewer presents but more costumes. In any case, don’t worry too much. Their parents will moderate their candy intake. Trust me, the last thing any parent truly wants is a bunch of kids hopped up on candy for an entire day. Worst case scenario they’ll dose ‘em up and send them to grandma’s house (but I digress).
Halloween No-No Number One – Mary Janes
Yeah, we bet you didn’t know those weird orange peanut butter and molasses things even had a name, but they do: They’re called Mary Janes, and they’ve been grossing kids out for nearly 100 years. Although 100 years ago most things kind of sucked anyway, so maybe these were considered good back then. That might explain why it’s mainly really old people that give them out.
Halloween No-No Number Two – Huge Lollipops
Not only do they take up a lot of room in that tiny little bin (which would be much better occupied by Three Musketeers bars, might I add), these surprisingly bland juggernauts of the candy family are something only an army of ants could love. Not to mention they contain enough sugar to put most kids into a coma if eaten in one sitting (or at least give them extremely sore tongue muscles).
Halloween No-No Number Three – Black Licorice
Black licorice is definitely an acquired taste – and being acquired implies one has lived long enough to remember at least 2 or 3 presidential elections. Most adults don’t even like black licorice (just like many don’t participate in presidential elections), so it’s best just to avoid black licorice altogether. Trust me, it won’t get many votes.
Halloween No-No Number Four – Candy Corn
Candy corn is the fruit cake of Halloween – you either love it or hate it, and there always seems to be a never-ending supply of it. There’s plenty of candy corn to go around as it is, and if their kids love it, trust me there’s already a big bucket of the stuff at home. Giving out candy corn on Halloween is like giving milk to a dairy farmer – either they’ve got plenty of it and have no need for more, or they make cheese and don’t even need it at all.
Halloween No-No Number Five – Healthy Food
Unless the town you live in is full of hippies, apples and bananas just aren’t going to fly. Not only are they heavy, but parents will usually throw them out – or at least they will if they’re smart. Who knows what you did to that seemingly innocent fruit? When it comes right down to it, it’s a gift from a stranger, and since it isn’t packaged, it isn’t safe – or even wanted. And giving out toothbrushes or dental floss is just asking for a kick in the ass.
The best idea is to have a lot of the “safe stuff” with a few “strange” options and ask if they have any special requests. Who knows – maybe you will make a new black licorice loving health food fanatic friend. Stranger things have happened (although, I should probably be more careful with that saying… it is Halloween, after all).
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